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  Anson Cameron was born in Shepparton, Victoria, in 1961. His first novel, Silences Long Gone, released in 1998, was shortlisted for the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize. He has since written four more novels—Tin Toys (2000), Confessing the Blues (2002), Lies I Told About a Girl (2006) and Stealing Picasso (2009)—and the short story collection Pepsi Bear and other Stories. He lives in Melbourne where he writes a column for The Age newspaper.

  Nice Shootin’, Cowboy

  Stories by

  ANSON

  CAMERON

  This edition published by Allen & Unwin House of Books in 2012

  First published by Picador, Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd, Sydney, in 1997

  Copyright © Anson Cameron 1997

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

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  ISBN 978 1 74331 376 3 (pbk)

  ISBN 978 1 74343 080 4 (ebook)

  For

  Graeme Percival Archibald John Stanley Levin Herbert Sydney Trevor Cecil Cameron himself who read me those poems … in that voice of his

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ‘Whatever Varnished Fish Mean’ was first published as ‘Whatever of Harvey’ in Overland (No. 140) in 1995.

  ‘Real Estate’ was first published in Ulitarra (No. 8) in 1995.

  ‘Nest-Egg’ was first published in Australian Short Stories (No. 44) in 1993.

  ‘Nice Shootin’, Cowboy’ was first published in Ulitarra in 1995.

  ‘A Fall at the Thirtieth’ was first published in Australian Short Stories (No. 37) in 1992.

  ‘Lest We Forget, Baby’ was first published in Meanjin (No. 2) in 1994.

  ‘Just Another Fucking Mystery at Sea’ was first published in Meanjin (No. 2) in 1996.

  ‘T.K.O’ was first published in Australian Short Stories (No. 43) in 1993.

  ‘Did She Not Have Autumn?’ was first published in Australian Short Stories (No. 50) in 1995.

  ‘White Noise’ was first published in Ulitarra in 1994.

  CONTENTS

  Whatever Varnished Fish Mean

  Real Estate

  Nest-Egg

  Nice Shootin’, Cowboy

  A Fall at the Thirtieth

  Lest We Forget, Baby

  Just Another Fucking Mystery at Sea

  A Knuckleboner

  T.K.Q

  Did She Not Have Autumn?

  The Whales on the Highway

  Red Cordial

  White Noise

  WHATEVER VARNISHED FISH MEAN

  WE KNOW the Ninety Mile Beach as a two-slab trip in third gear. But considering the target of our long trawl we decide beer is not enough. We take bottles of black rum. Harvey’s drink of significant occasions.

  And we take an esky and an orange compost bag to hold what we might find. Tony puts the bag by his feet in the back where we can’t see it. He sits in the back despite him being Harvey’s best man and that always giving him some rank over us in matters of Harvey. But he’s short and doesn’t need the leg room. And not pigheaded enough to argue himself into the front ahead of either of us on a trip when a front seat berth is this important.

  We gun down the ramp and through the loose sand, fishtailing up onto the hardness where the waves reach. I turn west in the shallows. The weather is horizontal off a boiling brown sea. Big rain bursting on the side of the Cruiser. Tony mixes three rum and Cokes and passes two over into the front.

  The beach has all the Strait can hold washed up on it. We’re three days into a storm of south wind, and it’s all here. Driftwood, bottles, whole trees, buoys, fish, birds, oil drums, livestock washed out of rivers, mounds of kelp and, again and again, stuffed koalas.

  The police made their sweep of this beach in their Bell Jet Ranger three days ago when the news was hot but the wind was wrong. When no flotsam and no facedown seaman would appear. When the beach was clean of Harvey.

  It’s only now the south wind has filtered the whole Strait through this sand that we will find him. Anyone who knows anything about the sea knows we’ll meet Harvey today. What there still is of him. Missing now three days from hunting among the schools of giant snapper on the eastern floor of the Strait where its deep waters cascade down into the Tasman. Not fishing. Stalking the deck in a crouch. Hunting. For that one, again. That maybe you can’t get, again.

  Beside me Mick gives advice on what to drive over and what to drive around. Around piles of kelp and driftwood. Over koalas, fish and birds. I’ve got Johnny Cash through the speakers. His sadder songs conspicuously solo. The duets with a tone-deaf, fish-mad family man over.

  As we drive we start to tell our fool-tales of Harvey. To tear into him for the love of him. We wouldn’t do it for any woman we loved. Her we’d praise and cry over. But I knew there’d be fool-tales for Harvey. Because I remember us telling them for my brother Colin, the barefoot champion, after he cut the inside of a bend too tight and skied into a labyrinth of red gum roots bulging out of the Victorian bank of the Murray and got tangled in there, a fish-belly pallid prisoner, until someone fetched a chainsaw to cut him out. And by that time him internally bled deaf to our shouts of ‘Hang on, Col. We’re here. We’re coming.’

  At the wake we drank and told fool-tales about him till we’d traded the power to stand for the power to cry and we’d run dry of insults and could finally say how much we loved him. It’s a gruelling session, but you get there eventually.

  This search is our wake for Harvey, so we start on him. Mick, Harvey’s big brother, fills our rums and asks if we remember the time Harvey was asked to address the Royal Auto Club and he drank too much Mallee Rally Claret pre-speech. And when his moment came he stood on the stage and offered what he called a small word on truck drivers.

  Not every truck driver is a big, tattooed hood, he said. That’s where the driving public makes its mistake. And a bad driver of trucks, like a bad car driver, should be pulled out of his vehicle and punched the bejeezus out of. If you climb up into the cabin and find you’ve happened onto a big one, throw your arms around him and tell him driving Kenworth is a hell-of-an art form that has you in total awe. But otherwise … job him. I’ve accounted for many a line-crossing, light-running long-hauler myself, usually so wired on caffeine they had to be put do
wn twice before they’d stay. Because lenience to truck drivers only makes for unsafe roads. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

  ‘And that was all Harv had to offer the road user that night,’ Mick says. We laugh. What a fool. What a drunk. What an outrage.

  Tony leans into the front seat for more rum. We’re silent and staring as we drive up to a red plastic bag that’s half buried and filled and humped with sand and could have been anything. Out past the break, terns are hammering themselves into the water. Getting a deep shot at what’s there.

  Past the red bag, I ask. Who remembers the time Harvey caught that giant skipjack? His fish-of-awe. The fish every fisherman hunts. Fish enough to get the balding liars in the coastal pubs reaching way back past their memories into their imaginations to recall their own prewar leviathans. Get them shifting from cheek to cheek on their stools, wanting to be back riding the swell. Telling themselves lies about how they need the sea, not the grog. The fish that’s had Harvey at sea these last fifteen years.

  Harvey’s fish-of-awe was a twenty-seven kilo skipjack he’d hooked at the eastern end of the Strait where he wasn’t telling. A fish full of records. He brought it into the Pacific where we were unemployed that summer and we raised a reverent fuss and took his drinks and slapped his back.

  Then he took his fish to the VicFish chiller on the end of the pier to freeze it while it still had its stripes and its clear black eye and was worth varnishing and stuffing and sitting high on a wall. And he came back to continue shouting us what his splendid fish was worth. An all-afternoon session that ended only when Colin got his camera and insisted we get the event down on film.

  So we all go down to the big chiller on the end of the pier. Harvey hauls out his fish-of-awe, which is by now dusted white and rock hard unwieldy for a celebrating man. Its eye frost dead. Colin takes some snaps with us urging them both to put some art into it. Give it meaning, it’s a splendid fish. Go on, Harv. Give it a kiss. So Harvey puckers up and a photo is taken. A tonguer, Harv. Slip it the tongue. Passion, you wooden-faced fucker. It’s a fish big enough to fill a hug. And Harvey, full of beer and pride, goes for a deep kiss for the camera. Puts his tongue into that head of frosted grey metal … and gets frozen in there. Welded to his fish by the sub-zero cling that sticks a kid to a fridge door.

  Him and his fish-of-awe now one. Us dancing around them. Taking photos and saying it’s lucky he’s not glued on there by his old-fella, what with his lust for all things piscatorial. Saying what an appropriate freeze that would be.

  Him roaring vowel-only asylum noises for freedom. Us not thinking of any other way to unfreeze a man off a fish but to piss him off. So we thaw him off his fish with our stagger-drunk inaccurate streams. Him moaning, eyebrow deep in spray, until our heat frees him into a violent string of abuse and he comes up off that fish like an unmuzzled heeler. The skin of his tongue torn by the freeze and stung by the piss.

  ‘Harvey and his fish. What a dill,’ I say. We’re laughing with the memory. On the second bottle and no longer driving around driftwood.

  ‘Harvey’s a third generation fuckwit,’ Mick says. ‘And no man to scoff at family values.’ We laugh again. He’s speaking of his grandfather’s bankruptcies, his father’s secretaries, and Harvey’s fish. Mick, being Harvey’s brother, can include Harvey’s family in the accusations.

  We drink and drive. Watching for Harvey. Waiting for Tony to open up on him with his hilarious memory. In the rear-view mirror I see him rub his eyes, rub his whole face. I put the Desert Duellers to two more koalas, an albatross and an oil can and Tony is still silent, rubbing. I turn to the back seat, punch his knee, and ask, ‘Where’s your memories, Tone? Or do you want us to start stories you’ll only butt in on when we miss a laugh or fuck up a detail?’

  By the time I’ve asked and punched him two or three times we’re heading into the surf. I get us back on course and Tony is still quiet.

  ‘Tony?’ Mick asks.

  ‘It’s the koalas.’ Tony says.’ He was a scholar of rough water. Only something freakish out of left-field like the koalas could have sunk a man who knew his water like Harvey.’ He takes a drink of rum straight from the bottle and shoots it in and out his teeth before swallowing.

  ‘What I see is he slides down the back of a twenty-footer right onto a ship-dropped container full of Korean koalas. Took his arse out in one foul swipe. And here they are … Harvey’s killers.’ He points at another koala out front of us on the beach.

  Tony’s theory. Good enough, too. But it’s a replacement for a fool-tale. My eyes meet Mick’s. We stare a question back and forth. There will be years to praise Harvey’s seamanship. Decades to paint a blameless man. Why now? It’s not time.

  I give Mick a slow blink. Two full seconds of shut eyes. Where’s the transvestite groping story Tony needs no excuse to tell? The story of the Adam’s-appled honey Harvey shouted about twenty Midoris to get into an upstairs frame of mind. The story that ends with a white-faced Harvey charging back into the bar for fast double-rums and cursing the publican for his clientele. Swearing he’d rather live in a town peopled by golf club committees than drink an hour with a debased liar like that and smashing the Midori bottle with a fine throw of his tumbler.

  That story is Tony’s signature tune. My guess is he won’t tell it because he’s brooding over the stand-off at the ramp back in Lakes Entrance, where he showed up with his decrepit labrador and a twisted idea of this maybe being her most poignant retrieve.

  We’re not taking the dog, Mick told him.

  Cammy’s got a helluva nose, he’d said. Brung in every bird I ever dropped in the rushes. And some I didn’t, he smiled.

  What Mick’s saying is, we won’t take her because of how ignorant she’ll behave when we get Harvey on board. Probably trying to roll in him or dine off him, I explained.

  Tony stood fists-to-hips offended. She loved Harvey, he’d said. And she’s trained. Obedient.

  Well tell her ‘Stay’, Mick said.

  And maybe the thought of his Cammy, insulted, unemployed and fogging the windows in his car back in Lakes is what’s put this silence into him.

  I tell the Midori story. Uninterrupted. Then Mick tells one about a naked, hairless Harvey on the high-board. A long-ago fuckwit pup, Mick says. We finish the rum and start some beers, laughing hard at the high-board Harvey.

  When we stop for a leak Mick walks out ahead and picks a koala out of the foam. He brings it back at a run, holding it overhead like the Liberty torch. He tilts it forward face-down and it makes a noise like a lamb. A wrong Korean guess. He does it four or five times.

  ‘Aha,’ he yells over the wind. ‘A confession.’

  Then he lobs the toy at Tony, who hooks it away with his beer can and surprising footwork for a drunk man in sand. I raise both hands high to signal six. But I drop them when I see the glare Mick is giving Tony. Beyond gamesmanship. More than that. Maybe new hate.

  For a minute I think I’ve lost control of Harvey’s wake. My whole knowledge of what we mean to each other tilts.

  We drive through wet sand. The weather is still fast off the Strait. Along the beach a four-wheel drive is coming east. Looming fast out of the day at us. The story I’m telling I leave hanging. Even before the number plate grows into HARV we know that’s what it says, and that he outbid a statewide handful of other self-happy Harveys for the right to drive it around. White letters on light blue.

  At the wheel is Freya. Looking strong. Putting the lie to Harvey’s years-told joke that she would make him a fine widower one day.

  She’s had eighteen years of Harvey’s sea knowledge boasted into her. She knows where and when to search. We park nose to nose. In the passenger seat is Deb, Freya’s sister, who was mostly disgusted by Harvey in life and so wouldn’t be unusually affected by him if she found him frayed by crab and sea-lice and blown tight by gas. A good woman for the search.

  We’re silent. We feel empty meeting Freya out here. Her having done thirty miles and us
sixty and the whole beach having been covered between us. We feel empty as the dread and the buzz of possibly finding a friend’s body leaves us. Sad, because the beach is driven, he’s gone. Fully gone. And guilty, because we’re drunk and we’ve got him in the Cruiser with us. Buck’s party naked and ready to commit more foolery. And us not being able to get this happy Harvey into her car where maybe he belongs.

  Freya’s put up with a lot from him. Less plumbing in the house every year. Less electricity. Less Harvey. More varnished fish.

  We stagger out into the weather. We hug Freya and say, ‘Frey’. We hug Deb and say, ‘Deb’. Freya raises her eyebrows into the question. I shake my head.

  ‘A seaman good as him should of been here,’ I shout.

  ‘Not so much as a life preserver,’ shouts Tony.

  ‘Not so much as a Harvey,’ shouts Mick, sweeping the horizon with his arm. ‘Drunken sunken Harvey. Washed up … but never washed up where he should be,’ he shouts. ‘Mystery.’

  ‘You blokes having a wake?’ asks Deb.

  ‘A few drinks and memories,’ I shout. ‘The frozen fish story. The Auto Club debacle.’ She nods slowly. She knows we’ve got Harvey.

  ‘And a koala theory,’ shouts Mick. ‘Come up with by Tony here,’ he points at Tony with his can.

  Tony is looking intently out at the waves.

  ‘You blokes sober enough to come back to Welshpool?’ Freya asks. ‘Your olds are coming ‘round to share a bottle with the kids and me,’ she shouts at Mick. He’s expressionless at her. He’s never going to answer.

  ‘We’d love to,’ I lie. Not being sober and not wanting to do the type of silent bravery his family will be doing. Having already shown our type.

  But having been caught out here with my hand up Harvey’s back puppeting his naked body into indiscretions I feel guilty enough to agree to anything. Over the June wind I shout, ‘Sure. We’ll get some Chinese. Stir old Clarrie’s gastrics and his prejudices up. Follow us.’